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hmmm  
01:39pm 11/04/2008
 
 
justagirl
Anyone ever notice that dreams are sort of like being on drugs? Some parts you dont really remember too well, others are very vivid, and life just isn't... real.
No wonder people do drugs to escape reality.
 
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You are only lying to yourself, I can see right through you  
11:13pm 23/10/2007
 
 
justagirl
Wow, its been a long time, lj. I was just re-reading my previous postings and they are really quite theraputic and stuff. I can see how I have grown a little since last year.

So yea, still ouber stress about school all the time, I have a scary exam Thursday that I actually should be studying for now...

But at least this weekend will be good...Hayleys parents will be down on Friday to take us out :) and girl's night Saturday!!

You know what is a really annoying thing about being a human being? Wanting what you don't have, I hate that! And then when you do have it, it's not that big of a deal, you dont want it so passionatly as you did. You never win, it's a torcherous thing really. And I'm not talking necessarily tangible things, but there are lots of material things I want too...

Ok, enuf, I must sleep, eat, study, repeat.

G'nite.
 
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Everything is crazy  
06:01pm 11/04/2007
 
 
justagirl
Hmmmm...well I am studying for exams now. Second year of uni is almost over...its very strange. I just wrote my stats final at 2 and it was crazy hard, i am a little discouraged but i must keep on keepin on with my finals. i have 3 left then i am freeee.

My family is crazy. i dont like it, it's getting to me lately. My mom spazed and quit her job randomly so i am worried about her and how she is gunna pay her bills. My dad has this new, weird, god-fearing girlfriend and they keep breaking up and dad gets all upset and calls me telling me that he cant seem to stop himself, he wants to get piss loaded (he's an alcoholic). My brother doesn't work, barely goes to school. does nothing cept party. he is very angry inside. He has a 6.6% so far in his English class. He might never graduate. i am sad about that.

I feel like the only adult in my family. i always have, and i still wanna be a kid. Maybe i will meet some amazing guy who will let me be a kid at times and we can have fun, but he will still be there when things are rough and i need to be an adult. Maybe this summer...
mood: draineddrained
 
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Life is a bitch, and then you die  
02:02pm 12/02/2007
 
 
justagirl
That is how i feel rite now...shitty.
super shitty.
like i will never crawl out of this black hole of dispair.
Someone reach in and pull me back into the sunlight.
mood: anxiousanxious
 
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my self-loathing  
11:37pm 24/01/2007
 
 
justagirl
A wise person once said to me, “You stand up to everyone, only to be a pushover to one”. This is a very true statement, as once again I have fallen into the clutches of a controlling, emotionally abusive relationship. I will stand up to my friends, profs, police officers, the occasional bouncer (when really under the influence) but I will not stand up for myself when it really matters, when my emotions, body and values are at stake.

The oddest thing about my situation that I will never understand no matter which angle I look at if from, is why? Why the torture? Why the heartache? Why the attachment? Why the anxiety? All these horrible things that I realize I am doing to myself all for a relationship that I know will never last. I know he is not my soul mate. I know all these things. I am so independent and proud to be so in so many ways like paying for my university on my own (with huge debt to pay back in the future). I have always done things for myself since I could not rely on my parents when I was growing up. So why then do I rely on someone who is unmotivated, an alcoholic, and whom his employer can’t even rely on. Why do I think I can rely on him? What makes me so special? Nothing. That is just it; I am not special to him. Where does my false sense of hope stem from? Am I really that naive?

Maybe it is a cultural thing that has been conditioned over the years to control my thought patterns and self worth when It comes to men.

Who knows.
mood: sleepysleepy
 
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When it rains, it pours  
10:32pm 19/01/2007
 
 
justagirl
The title can be taken literally, not figurtivly. I had a good day, I am content but it was a crazy rain-storm day. A cold January rain. *sigh* It was so windy and rainy that on the way home on the bus to Truro, the bus wasn't allowed to take the bridge over to Dartmouth because there was a chance we could blow over. So we had to go around the Bedford Basin way (the only way Dan knows how to get to Hali, :P) which added another 45 minutes on the trip, with the crazy Hali rush hour traffic too of course.

I talked to a lot of strangers today, well actually I should say that a lot of strangers talked to ME. I brought work on the bus with me so i could get a start on my econ assignment but the guy that sat next to me on the bus decided to become my friend. He told me a lot about his life in the 2 hour duration of the trip. He was an alright guy, average, 22 i think. But I couldn't help but keep thinking...-please stop talking to me, I need to get my assignment started...- This is makes me feel like I am a huge geek, a bonified geek. There was this decent, fairly attractive guy who was obviously flirting with me and very interested in all I had to say and all I can think about is the Technical Rate of Subsitution of an isoquant curve. That is kind of depressing to me really. What happened to my teenage, girly spirit?
So yea, we played who wants to be a millionaire on the internet on his cell phone and he continued to try to pry into my life.

Then I arrived in Truro and me and my mom went to Frank and Gino's. It was packed so we sat at the bar near where the waitress people are always at. We proceded to have a detailed convo with 3 of the waitresses there who lived together. Then we walked to the mall and got SOAKED, cars actually splashed us and we got drenched...assholes.. My Mom spent money on me! That was crazy, I dont remember the last time I have gone out shopping with her and she has bought me stuff...weird... I got a new shirt and a rather expensive pair of jeans. I paid about half the price, mom paid the rest. sweet. All of the sales clerks seemed very interested in my life too...like I know they are paid to be like that, but they seemed overly chatty to me, just like every other person that I encountered today.

This will be weird in Truro, not working at MacQ's for the weekend. hmmm...
I miss my Hali people already... :(
mood: geekygeeky
 
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